


Goodbye in The Way That I Wanted To

by lmc_TicDonPete



Series: Peter Parker Whumpy One-Shots [4]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with no happy ending, Depressed Peter Parker, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Peter Parker, Implied/Referenced Suicide, No Dialogue, No Happy Ending Fest, Peter Parker Angst, Peter Parker Has Issues, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Peter Parker doesn't get a hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Protective Tony Stark, Sad, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Teen Angst, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-18 15:25:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17583413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lmc_TicDonPete/pseuds/lmc_TicDonPete
Summary: Peter wanted to say that he was strong. That he was able to make it through each day without feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. Peter was never a liar, not even as a young kid. He thinks, now, that he should stop lying to himself because he wasn't a very good liar either. So he stops lying, and for the first time in a long time, he tells the truth. He's too tired to live anymore.Inspired by Pigeon by Cavetown.





	Goodbye in The Way That I Wanted To

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Pigeon by Cavetown. Sad story, not a happy ending. Get ready for angst and tears.
> 
> Love you guys.

It hadn’t been planned.

But it hadn’t been spontaneous either. There’s a gray area, I suppose. Maybe there isn’t and it really was just random. Or maybe it was planned and I just forgot. Either way, I don’t know how I ended up here, and I don’t remember the trek. But it’s far away from home. I know that.

Somewhere in Brooklyn. Well, a popular spot in Brooklyn, I guess. The Brooklyn Bridge is hard to miss, and I don’t know how I got up here, but I’m here now and I’m gonna make the most of it. Whatever that means.

I think the water’s too loud. It hurts my ears to the point where I can’t take my earphones out. Not that I would anyways.

The cars are louder than the water. There’s a lot of cars zooming by, right behind me, and every time one goes by, the hair on the back of my neck stands up straight. They go by to fast for the feeling to stay, but before I know it, the next car comes by and the feeling is back. 

I can ignore the feeling though. It’s always there and I can ignore it.

What I can’t ignore, is my phone. It’s buzzing, constantly, and it won’t stop. I don’t know who’s texting and I don’t care. I’m pretty sure someone called too, but taking the phone from my back pocket is too much work. 

I’m too tired.

I should be on my way home by now, and a nagging sensation in my skull is telling me that call might have been from Aunt May. The texts could be from anyone, really. Ned, MJ, even Tony. 

(Or it could be that guy from biology asking for the answers to the homework I didn’t do. I could be letting him down right now and he could be failing all because I didn’t help him. What if he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore because I never answered him back and he hates me, he hates me, everyone hates me).

My bet is on May, but Tony had been calling a lot recently. Maybe he wanted to talk to me about something. Maybe May told him I wasn’t home yet and he wanted to see if he could get a hold of me.

What if he can see my location and is coming yell at me for not being home yet?

He’s good at yelling. So is May.

But neither of them yell often. Only when I’ve done something bad. Like stayed out way past curfew, or got hurt on patrol and didn’t tell anyone. They aren’t angry, it’s more of a concerned yell. But a yell nonetheless.

(Sometimes their voices scare me).

They don’t yell a lot though, like I said. They’re never angry at me even though they have every right to hate me. Sometimes I think both are too good for this world. I don’t deserve them. May’s too sweet like candy and Tony cares to much to even describe.

Why would someone care so much about someone who doesn’t even care about themself?

I care about a lot of people. Mostly May, Tony and Ned. Mj is important too, but sometimes she makes me want to throw up. She doesn’t mean to be so cruel, but her sense of humor rubs me the wrong way. It stabs me in the heart and rips apart my brain until it’s been reduced to little bloody chunks of flesh. She’s my friend even if she calls me a loser a little too often. 

Michelle isn’t as bad as Flash. I still care about him, because sometimes I wonder if somethings wrong with him that makes him so awful. If I knew, I’d help him. I’d give him advice on how not to verbally abuse someone until they end up on the side of the Brooklyn Bridge about to jump.

I’m not about to jump. I don’t think so. But if I did, I wouldn’t have to listen to May and how disappointed she was in me, or how she expected more from me. And the chances of Aunt May telling Mr. Stark about me not being home before curfew are high. I don’t want to listen to two lectures.

(I don’t want the suit to be taken away again because I can do better- I can be better if he just let me try. I’ll be better for everyone. I’ll listen and follow the rules and please, please don’t take the suit away it’s all I have. I’m useless without it please, please, please.)

So yeah, maybe I will jump.

Whose to say I’ll die though? I could be saved by some unfortunate event. 

Wait.

Nevermind. I could be saved by many things, but I think I’d die before anything else came to my rescue. It’s freezing, winter’s rolling in and the water is too cold to even think about. I’d get hypothermia before I drowned. Drowning used to be one of my worst fears because it was such a slow and painful death, but I’m not so opposed to the idea anymore. Anything slow and painful that happens to me is deserved- I deserve it, it’s my fault.

You punish those who do wrong and I am wrong- I did so wrong, so-so wrong and I deserve painful. I deserve to be hurting and feeling nothing and everything all at once.

I wouldn’t mind being surrounded by icy water, not being able to breathe.

I think others might mind a bit though. My friends would only want me to drown. May and Tony definitely wouldn’t want me to drown. At the end of the day, the only person who wants me gone is myself. And that’s all that matters.

Because at one point in your life, you need to move on. I’ll be gone and they can live their lives like normal and not have to worry about some reckless teenager with no brain. May wouldn’t have to worry about buying me food because I’ll be dead. Tony won’t have to worry about me getting hurt because I’ll be dead.

Dead. Never to be alive again. 

That would be nice. It would be quieter than it is up here. There’s a voice in my head saying it can be quiet in my apartment, but not as quiet as I need it to be. I could borrow some of Tony’s noise canceling earphones and sleep. But if I were dead I could sleep forever and not have to worry about school or saving the world or friends or family.

I’d be dead. Which I guess is the downside to eternal sleep. But the quiet part is nice.

My phone won’t stop going off and it keeps interrupting my music. The steady beat of whatever song is playing keeps stopping to allow the stupid beep to go off. 

I dare my eyes to glance at the screen, as I had put my phone down beside me on the medal just a moment ago. I hadn’t realized I had, but I guess I was lost in my head. I’m always lost in my head. I did a good job at finding the emery to move though, so I’m proud of myself. And now, I can finally se who’s been blowing up my phone for the first time.

There are ten missed calls from May. Fifteen from Tony. After the tenth one, Aunt May probably went to Mr. Stark for help. Ned had sent a few texts (116) and even Michelle sneaked a few in (71). Tony had left a few messages (86) and May didn’t even bother. 

I contemplated answering one of them back, saying I was fine and would be home in a few minutes. Instead, I turned off my phone and threw it. I threw it so hard into the water below me, it hurt when my earbuds were ripped off but I deserved it. I deserved it.

The phone disappeared before it started to fall towards the raging waves below, and I briefly wondered if that’s what I’ll look like to others. Some mindless, spineless thing falling to its death while other people are dealing with real problems. 

While I’m here wondering whether or not anyone will hear me when I fall.

I think not, but there’s a possibility someone, somewhere, will hear as my body hits the water and my bones break and my heart stops beating. My lungs will construct and turn into nothing and I know I’m drowning when my thoughts stop.

My thoughts never stop. Until now, I guess. Maybe. I don’t think I’m thinking at all to be honest. All my thoughts are in the back of my mind and nothing is really standing out. They’re side thoughts and I’m really thinking of nothing.

There’s nothing to think about besides whether or not anyone will walk by. I’ve been here for an hour and I think at least one homeless person has walked by and didn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop either. Not for someone like Peter Parker, who doesn’t deserve a life.

Neither does Spider-Man. The news tells me I’m a nuisance, not a hero. It’s true.

_”Spider-Man flees from murder-suicide scene as shown on this surveillance footage. Officers say he was to late to stop the crook from taking his own life after taking the women’s, as seen here. Newspapers say this has been one of many failures by the masked web-slinger, and has done ultimately nothing to help decrease the crime in New York. Some might even call him a nuisance, or useless! Anyways, onto our next story.”_

 It had been one of many times I screwed up. Tony ha son qualms about making sure I know when I’ve “Screwed the pooch”, as he puts it. Sometimes I wonder if he knows some people have feelings. Then I remember I haven’t felt in a long time, and his words don’t affect me like they did months ago. Taking my suit away now would almost be a blessing. And to think I cried over it no more than eight months ago. Some hero I am.

I also remember that Tony Stark is the nicest man I’ve met and cared about my feelings more than anyone. And I forgive him.

It’s peaceful up here. Loud wind, loud cars, loud water. No loud repulsers, no loud screams of “wait no stop!”, no pleading for me not to jump. It isn’t fair. This ain’t how it’s supposed to go. Like I said, it wasn’t planned, but I figured Tony would have found me by now, hails me ass back home and I’d spend the night cuddled into May’s arms while we cry. Tony would cry to, maybe rub my back. 

But that was all wishful thinking. 

I wouldn’t be seeing anyone else after tonight, and that was a fact. I could call Tony and tell him to speak to May (because there was no way I’d be able to tell her what I was doing). 

I decided against it, quickly. It would be easier on everyoen if I just disappeared without a trace. No phone calls, no texts. Just a mystery until they search the water and find my remains and realize I had selfishly left them. Maybe knowing that I left without a proper goodbye will make them hate me. Then, they’ll be glad I’m dead.

I will miss them, though. Ned and Michelle, too. Ned and I had been friends for so many years, and Mj and I had finally become best friends when I decided was gonna leave them-

I was going to leave them so soon. Sometimes I think sixteen is too young to be depressed but I guess anyone can feel like I do. Maybe none of them act on it, but I was never one to sit around and watch. If the world was going to change, I’d help get rid of all the useless wastes of space. Starting with me.

No one truly is a waste of space. I sure if I were I grow up I’d to great things. But I’ll leave that to someone who deserves it. Someone who isn’t broken and can handle whatever comes there way. 

They wont be as weak as me. They can do it better, whoever ‘they’ may be. 

There’s something buzzing in my back pocket. I know if isn’t my phone because I just threw it. I find myself reaching back automatically, no thought to it, and pulling out a smaller circular device. It has the same spider emblem as my suit does on top of it’s slick grey surface. I flip it over in my hand and observe the light on the back. Small and insignificant, but it’s still bright.

Its the tracker that was supposed to be in the watch Tony was making me. I must have accidentally put it in my pocket before leaving the lab. By the looks of the beeping light, I’d say it were tracking me right now. Yet, as I look around, I see no Iron Man suit soaring towards me.

Just an endless sea of blackness with speckled white dots. The city is on my left, and the lights danced and flashed even at such a late time of night. Seeing how high up I am started a fuzzy feeling in my stomach. I couldn’t tell whether I like it or not, but it won’t go away and I’m content I suppose.

But I’ve been stalking for much to long. Hours even. And even though none of my loved ones have found me, I have a sneaking suspicion they’re looking high and low.

I guess, now, they’ll just have to look really, really low.

I stood, pale legs cracking from being in a sitting position for so long. The wind blew past me in a slow and calming way that did nothing for my anxiety, despite the way it had helped me in the past. Nothing made me feeling more on edge then standing for fucking high over rushing water, knowing I was about to jump. 

I wasted no time even though I was scared out of my wits. I took no time breathing in the fresh air or relishing as cars zoomed by with no care for me. I enjoyed the feeling of knowing how many people I’d help by leaving. It was great.

What wasn’t great, was falling from hundreds of feet in the air. It was exhilarating, but still comforting in a way I wouldn’t be able to understand. I fell and fell for what felt like ever, silently apologizing to my friends and family. Apologizing over and over again.

Until, I hit the water. I felt my bones break, the air leave my lungs and my life slowly drain from my body.

And that was okay. I deserved the pain.

_”Breaking news this morning, sixteen year old student from Midtown high school, Peter Parker, commit suicide last night after jumping from the Brooklyn Bridge. Witnesses say he was refusing to listen to them, and one stated that he seemed to be in his own little world before he jumped. Devested friends and family have refused to speak with us at the moment. However, a public ceremony will be open at Midtown high school tomorrow night. We erge you to attend.”_

_..._

_”In other news-“_

**Author's Note:**

> love you guys. don’t go jumping off of bridges. and if you ever want to, tell me. please. thank you.
> 
> If you enjoyed, feel free to comment, leave kudos or save for later. Love you lots- lmc


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